These past few weeks I have learned more about myself and my family life than in the previous 34 years. Isn’t that weird? I’m still trying to work through the process of grief. Trying to work through some very complicated emotions with my family. All while the one year anniversary of losing the furry Love of my life is looming in just a few days. Yesterday I met a dog who reminded me so much of Jory my heart ached. Like Jory, she was on chemo. She even had the same oncologist as Jo. I thought I had come to terms with losing Jory, but telling that dog’s owner that he passed away almost a year ago, forming those words, was incredibly difficult.
It’s been a hell of a year. Losing Jory. Now losing my father. It hurts a lot and I have spent much time hiding from the world. I still peek out every now and again, but some days I still want to hide in bed and not think about the world. If I have to explain to one more person that my father died…
The worst part is probably finding people to talk to about it. We have a seriously fucked up society when it comes to death. Most people don’t know what to say to a person who is grieving, myself included. The worst thing you can say is nothing at all. It’s a gut punch to be grieving and wonder who your friends are because they say they’ll call but then don’t. Or because they simply didn’t say anything to you at all, but never fail to “like” a comment on facebook, no matter how inane. Then of course, finding people who I can talk to openly about all the family drama. People who won’t judge. I am thankful for the lifelines I do have right now. The ones that come through. The ones that understand, or at the very least “listen.”
The good news is I have a story percolating in my head. Something that will help me deal with some of these feelings. It’s a story that’s been in my mind for a number of years, but up until now, I didn’t know how to write it. Now I do. Which is great, but doesn’t bode well for the other two stories that are in editing. Oops.
I’ve decided to go easy on myself. I thought after a certain time, I would start feeling better, but the truth is, it changes from day to day, and since, lucky me, I work for myself. I’m gonna use that to my advantage. It also means that certain things in my life have to go. Including IGP. Not forever. But after five years, this girl needs a vacation, so I am closing up shop until the end of the year. Does this mean I won’t be doing geeky things over the next few weeks. Of course not. I loved all the 50th Anniversary Doctor Who stuff this week. But I need time to myself without the crazy deadlines. I need time to grieve, figure out who I am and what I am doing.